i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize