i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
