My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just pee around me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
