sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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