I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
