You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
