his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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