Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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