Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
