I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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