I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
