Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
