Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We have started to decorate penises.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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