I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
