I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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