i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
