I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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