I just threw up on my dentist
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
