So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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