Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
