either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm always down for nudity.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
