I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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