Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
