they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
