some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
