Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
FUCK WHALES
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
