i wish my penis had a tongue
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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