Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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