I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
