The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
