My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
