Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
