there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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