Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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