"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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