Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
