i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
