i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
