I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
two words: eviction party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
