we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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