I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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