Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can Purell be used as lube?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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