Pants 0. Shit 1.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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