Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize
