My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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