i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
