i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
