dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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