Just mADE A PArabola og urine
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
