When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just blew my weed a kiss
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
