he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
