Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
