maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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