shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm really into asian looking animals
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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