Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
