My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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