In the future we'll all be gay
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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