Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
